thank you all for being so supportive while I’ve sorta been dead on tumblr. I guess this is me ranting and rambling on a shitty update I guess. aaaaa
I’ve always sorta been content to stay at home and chill so for the most part these months in quarantine haven’t been so bad, until recently. many countries are beginning to lighten up on restrictions but unfortunately the us is still a shitshow and while my friends are easing up as well, I’m not in a position to do so. this means that I haven’t had that much contact lately as they’ve been doing much more in person. I took a break from uni for mental health stuff so I never really made any connections at school, while other friends have drifted away. I try my best to keep in contact with the friends I have and I love them very dearly. I also recently figured out/came out as ace to my friends and family and sadly that sort of ruined my relationship with my partner and we’re no longer together. all of this sort of made it very apparent that I could only count the number of friends I have on one hand. (not even half, really) I’ve just been very lonely, and decided to take a step away from tumblr for awhile until I could sorta gather my thoughts. I really hate even saying this because there are so many things that matter so much more in the world than boohoo I have no friends :/ everything is just frustrating.
Identifying as ace isn’t a phase. even if it was, why does that make it any less valid? I’m not broken. This isn’t caused by my past traumas, its just me. Why does this matter so much? pressuring me to have sex to “change my mind” isnt doing anything. Its incredibly humiliating and objectifying. suddenly shouldnt have a relationship bc my lack of sexual attraction? I didn’t think there was anything “wrong” or different about myself and my identity until I saw that I was the outlier. I know that my life worth isnt determined by having a partner, and I believe the most important relationship to have is with yourself, but I can still seek companionship, right? most people I’ve talked to have just said something along the lines of “no one should ever make you do something you’re not comfortable with, but choosing to live this way means that you should expect to be alone. you’ll have to have sex eventually. If you don’t, you won’t have a partner.” i thought the the people closest to me would be more accepting. maybe not even accepting, but just validating.
Its just hard changing my outlook on life, and accepting that more often than not I’m gonna be alone, and people are going to go their separate ways. I’m proud to be ace, I’m proud to be bi, I love that I’m able to be myself. I just wish that other people would feel the same about me, too.
critical role has become my best friend these past few weeks, theres so much content and its the perfect escape from this madness. I started sewing again! I started working out! being more conscious of what goes into my body! Going back to school this semester (online)! I’m taking this time that I’m alone and being productive with it. hopefully in a week or two I’ll be in a better spot to start writing again!! I have ideas for my ongoing fics, I really want to finish all of the matchups for yall! (maybe write some vox machina too? who knows) anyway, just sort of a shitty update. I’ll probably end up deleting this later. bleh
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